If Canada had colonised the UK

What would the UK look like if John Cabot’s voyage went not from east to west across the Atlantic, but West to East?

Probably nothing like this but I was bored last night and hadn’t touched illustrator in awhile so I thought why not do a blog post that is bound to offend everyone who reads it? Apologies in advance.

map of UK with Canadian provinces taking the place of UK counties


  • Has it’s own language
  • Run by separatists
  • Men put a disturbing amount of time/thought into their attire
  • Cultural capital of UK, contains its most beautiful city
  • Fantastically proficient at its national sport, terrible at soccer

British Columbia

  • Tradition of flirting with Socialism
  • Beautiful and full of lakes
  • Home of the United Kanata’s Green movement
  • Home of the UK’s best soccer team


  • Bloody cold
  • Home of the country’s indigenous people
  • Invaded by Norse sailors
  • People communicate by throat singing
  • Lots of blubber


  • Known for mining
  • History of violent protests against the government
  • Moustaches never went out of style
  • People known for their friendliness
  • Completely mad for national sport, despite being hopelessly shit at it


  • Country’s middle
  • Incest abounds on its fringes
  • Parts of it are so flat, you can watch your dog run away for three days
  • Everyone drives through it, nobody stops
  • Hella ugly capital city (Second biggest city surprisingly awesome)

Newfoundland and Labrador

  • Crazy accent
  • So different from the other provinces, it’s almost like a different country
  • Home of the country’s (now defunct) fishing industry.
  • UK’s favourite pisstaking target. Inhabitants take it with good humour (to a point)
  • A very musical race of people


  • Home of UK’s biggest and most multicultural city
  • Ontario’s largest city is the only city in UK that foreigners can name.
  • The capital city used to be great at the country’s national sport, but is now pants
  • Traditionally UK’s business hub, but efforts are afoot to spread wealth to other parts of the country.
  • People who live in Ontario scarcely aware of the rest of the country’s existence.


  • Does things their own way despite it not always being the right way
  • Half-assed separation movement
  • Home to UK’s largest onshore oilfield (Wytch Farm)
  • Never votes Labour/Liberal

Nova Scotia

  • UK’s most populace maritime province
  • Nova Scotia translates literally to “New Scotland” and it’s erm kinda close to where Scotland was before Canada invaded and renamed it Quebec… sorry bit of a stretch


  • Tiny and cute

New Brunswick

  • Only technically bilingual (French/English) province in confederation
  • It’s the last province everyone names when listing them off
  • No one lives there

4 thoughts on “If Canada had colonised the UK

  1. Guy

    Are you still claiming to be a Canadian? I thought you’d admit that you were a yank after Obama got re-elected… #JK

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