Yesterday, Barack Obama announced “sweeping” new policies targeting gun violence in the wake of the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary. I put “sweeping” in quotes because if it was in any other civilised country, the changes he suggested would be viewed as “the barest of minimums”.
Banning military style assault weapons, background checks and limiting magazines to 10 rounds seems to be so obvious as to be positively silly, but this is yeehaw pow pow FUCKIN AMURICAH we’s talkin bout so any gun control is welcome. Even gun control as weak as this.
To beef up Obama’s law, I humbly submit my background check form to be completed by all gun shop owners at point of purchase.
Rob’s Gun buying background check thing
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Is the prospective gun owner a member of the NRA?
No… move to question 2
Yes… GUN DENIED
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Did the prospective gun owner smile like he was touching his first boob when you handed him the gun?
No… move to question 3
Yes… GUN DENIED
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Did the prospective gun owner say “I’ll be back” in an Austrian accent when you told him about the waiting period?
No… move to question 4
Yes… GUN DENIED
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Does the prospective gun owner think the US government bombed the World Trade Centre on Sept 11?
No… move to question 5
Yes… GUN DENIED
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Does the prospective gun owner have an eye patch?
No… move to question 6
Yes… GUN DENIED
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Is the prospective gun owner missing any fingers, toes or especially teeth?
No… move to question 7
Yes… GUN DENIED
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Is the prospective gun owner Rush Limbaugh?
No… move to question 8
Yes… GUN DENIED
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Is the prospective gun owner chewing gum or worse, a piece of grass/wheat?
No… move to question 9
Yes… GUN DENIED
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During the transaction, did the prospective gun owner use the word “Y’all” more than once?
No… move to question 10
Yes… GUN DENIED
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Is the prospective gun owner American or been American at any time in his life?
No… move to question 11
Yes… GUN DENIED
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Does the prospective gun owner have blond hair?
No… GUN DENIED
Yes… GUN DENIED
Penalty for selling a gun to anyone that fails the test is (obviously) death by firing squad.